Improbable Soccer

So a few weeks ago we took on the question of “The Worst Defeat In History“, noting, correctly we hope, that 149-0 is the highest scoring match of all time. But one has to admit that it is not, in fact, the most contested game of all time. In any extremely high scoring affair there is an element of futility on the part of the -0 squad. And, with some good comebacks happening recently in the EPL, we figured this was as good a time as any to review the Most Hotly Contested Game Of All Time.

In 2004, in Trinidad & Tobago’s Second Division, WASA Clean and White and L-Sporto Crab Connection tilted at WASA’s field in St. Joseph, Trinidad, with the scoreline ending 15-13 for the home team.

It went down like this:

5′ 0-1 Michael Alexis
12′ 0-2 Marlon Warner
18′ 0-3 Marlon Warner
19′ 0-4 Marlon Warner
22′ 1-4 Darren Modeste
28′ 1-5 Marlon Warner
29′ 2-5 Kevin Joseph
30′ 3-5 Kevin Joseph
36′ 4-5 Keston Thomas
44′ 5-5 Kevin Joseph
46′ 6-5 Darren Modeste
51′ 6-6 Christrian Graham
52′ 7-6 Darren Modeste
55′ 7-7 Marlon Warner
56′ 8-7 Marvin Faustin
58′ 9-7 Marvin Faustin
60′ 10-7 Kirth Hutchins
63′ 11-7 Darren Modeste
63′ 11-8 own goal
65′ 12-8 Kirth Hutchins
67′ 12-9 Marlon Warner
71′ 12-10 Marlon Warner
72′ 12-11 Marlon Warner
73′ 12-12 Marlon Warner
76′ 13-12 Darren Modeste
82′ 13-13 Marlon Warner
85′ 14-13 Kevin Derrick
90′ 15-13 Kevin Derrick

For those of you following at home, Marlon Warner was clearly MotM with 10 goals, followed by Darren Modeste with 5, then Kevin Joseph with 3, and Marvin Faustin, Kirth Hutchins and Kevin Derrick on 2.  Last, but certainly not least, Michael Alexis, Christian Graham, Keston Thomas, and the dreaded Own Goal all clocked in with 1.

At no time did more than 8 minutes pass without a score.  Marlon Warner was 4 goals behind Roen Nelson going into this, the FINAL GAME OF THE SEASON.   I can think of no more impressive end to a season.  …except that it did nothing for either side in terms of the standings.  Still, at the 19th minute, down 0-4, WASA could have been forgiven for packing it in, but they battled back.  I do wonder what, if any, coaching strategy was employed in this.  And, more importantly, where were the defenses and the keepers?  This is quite possibly the worst defense ever played, given that each side had double digit goals, and, one imagines, many more shots.  Still, were they all well played offensive goals, or were the keepers just utterly woeful?  Or both?  I like to think it was an offensive clinic, though since neither team won the league, I’m more inclined to believe it was just horrid horrid horrid defending.

Still, there is no doubt that this is the most hotly contested game of all time, and likely the most entertaining.

…so you may have noticed a disturbing lack of posts in the last week.  My apologies.  My truck decided that it no longer wished to convey me to my stated destinations, and the search for a new one occupied my time.

New posts up tonight, and we’ll be back to our regular schedule after that.

Welcome back class. Today we deal with teams who, for whatever reason, seem to have duplicated the crests of other sides.

So, without further ado, let’s jump right in.

If the crests are a-hoppin’, don’t bother knockin’

Yes, it’s famed Czech side Bohemians 1905 (formerly FC Bohemians Praha) and Macedonian Second League side Fudbalski Klub Belasica Strumica. While Bohemians were apparently gifted a set of kangaroos on a 1927 tour of Australia, I am unsure how a Macedonian team managed to pick them. Seeing as, you know, there are no kangaroos in Macedonia. Still, be that as it may I think Belasica have the more impressive crest. The Bohemians one is very clean, but you can be TOO clean (see B36 Torshavn). Overall I just dig Belasica’s style. The blue and white halves don’t hurt in my estimation either.

So kangaroos, naturally, make you think of Australia. And, with their national team nicknamed the “Socceroos“, you would think that the Australian national team crest would, in fact, involve their national animal. You would, however, be wrong.

Product placement at its finest

No, Australia opted to embrace AT&T, a company with absolutely no historical tie to it whatsoever. Good show, mates. Way to embrace your counterculture roots (read the actual lyrics to Waltzing Matilda, the unofficial national anthem and you’ll see what I mean). In so doing, they left Macedonia and the Czech Republic to carry their banner. *slow clap*

Next we go back to the United Kingdom:

What’s the difference between King John and King Richard? 5 Michelin stars.

It’s Republic of Ireland side Drogheda United and English side Portsmouth FC. The interesting bit here is that their crests are not in any way related. Drogheda’s comes from the Royal Seal of King John, who granted the town its charter in 1194. Pompey’s comes from King Richard I, who granted the city of Portsmouth the seal of Isaac Komnenos, the governor of Cyprus, after Richard had conquered the island. As an interesting aside, there is not currently a team in the Cypriot First Division who use any version of this crest. So Pompey’s crest does antedate Drogheda’s (both in founding date as well as town crest creation), but they are from roughly the same era.

That’s the end of this edition, but, before I go, I found a crest this week that I had to show.

An unfortunately suggestive crest from Sweden:

This is another one of those times when the 7 Ps come into play: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.  Seriously guys.  Someone paid money for this thing.  And even after the designer came up with it, someone at the club had to approve it.  This is your public face.  Players change, managers come and go, owners shift - the crest should be eternal.  Make sure it doesn’t embarrass you.

That’s it for this edition.  Next time we look at overly complex crests.

Welcome back, class, to our continuing survey of football crests worldwide.

So we have gone over the basics of good crest design:

Clean Lines
Club Colors
Founding Date
Club Motto
Club History

There are a few other stylistic choices I support:

Incorporate your mascot - don’t let it overpower you
Don’t blatantly ripoff another club’s crest
Make your crest clean, yet meaningful

So before we start on specific crest bits, I thought I’d take the time to clear up a few bits of errata that I felt were interesting but did not fit into any previous post (or the upcoming surveys of individual leagues).

First off, we have the only crest in history with REAL ULTIMATE POWER:

Hard to believe they’re last in Serie A with players like this

In the 1980s Italy was in turmoil. Known as the “Years of Lead” the country was under the constant threat of domestic terrorism and crime. The government couldn’t handle it, and ultimately this lead to the end of the First Republic (well, corruption might’ve contributed too, but corruption isn’t nearly as visually impressive). Who would lead Italy in this time of crisis? What brave soul would make a stand against the tide? Yes, Cagliari Calcio. Aided by renowned ninja Michael Dudikoff, Cagliari would embrace the soul of the ninja. …on their crest, anyway. With this amazing power they made it back to Serie A and also cured cancer. Sadly, they soon after threw away their newfound strength and found themselves relegated to Serie C1 (and cancer made a stunning comeback. Damn cancer).

Next, from the “Great Minds Think Alike, While Fools Seldom Differ” department, we have perhaps the only confluence between Major League Baseball and the Ukrainian First League.

Separated at birth?

Yes, it’s the logo of journeyman Ukranian side FC CSKA Kiev and perennial MLB bridesmaid the Houston Astros. I have to say I really dig the style of the CSKA Kiev crest. The football in the background is subtle yet adds a nice dimension to the design. I’m not entirely sure what the star is all about, especially given the that the club is called “the Armymen”, but it’s a very sharp effort for all that. Still though, it is odd that two clubs, half a world apart, in essentially diametrically opposed sports, came up with the same logo design simultaneously.

Next we come to perhaps the most health conscious club in all of football, Principality Building Society Welsh Premier Football League side Bangor City FC:

Angioplasty was never so much fun!

Yes, we must salute Bangor City FC for their social conscience. Not only is their crest a clear reminder of the dangers of arteriosclerosis and the joys of angioplasty, they have a separate pricing scheme for unemployed fans! Truly they are princes among men. Y Ddraig Goch ddyry gychwyn!

Lastly, our current frontrunner for “Creepiest Crest In The World” we have:

Has he been taking pointers from the FC Koln goat?

Yes, it’s the crest of Luxembourg National Division side FC Avenir Beggen.  While there are a great many crests in this world that show astounding similarity, I can honestly say that this is the only gnome mounting a misshapen football in all of Christendom.  Or out of it.  Pretty much anywhere, in fact.  *shudder*

Okay, after that one I’m going to go down some good scotch.  Class is dismissed.  We’ll go over a few other oddities tomorrow.

Welcome back, class. Today we examine symmetry in crests. It’s not always necessary to have a symmetrical crest, but it is hard to pull off asymmetrical goodness. The eye tends to get drawn in odd ways, and the overall of the effect of the crest can be ruined.

We’re going to look at a few examples of good and bad both ways. Also, because it amuses me, there will be an aside into crests with hand-drawn owls (seriously - how can two different clubs thousands of miles away come up with similarly sketched owls? OWLS of all things.).

First up for good asymmetry, we have 2.Bundesliga side 1. FC Koln. They are known as Die Geißböcke (The Billy Goats), and apparently have a live goat as a mascot. Well, at least they’ve avoided the Cubs’ Curse.

The Goat gets, umm… “jiggy” with the old crest

So, it incorporates the mascot AND the complete crest, which is a nice touch. While obviously asymmetrical, it isn’t unbalanced. All in all I think it works well. Except for one GLARING flaw. The Goat apparently has a burning love of the club. And it’s kinda creepy, to be honest. Maybe I just have a dirty mind…

On the other side of the coin, we have what happens when asymmetry goes horribly, horribly wrong. I have no idea when this crest came into being, but I’d bet somewhere between 1987 and 1993 (possibly later if they went cut rate with the designer). Yes, with odd polygons, pastel colors, and a disregard for good taste I give you…

Mr. Data, what caused this?
Gravimetric Shear, sir.

The crest of the Federació Andorrana de Futbol (Andorran Football Federation). So, ummm… Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? I will give it that it is in the same color scheme as the flag of Andorra, but past that… I can only imagine they were jamming out to What Is Love as they sketched…

The Pride Of Andorran Graphic Design

For our last venture into asymmetry, we’re going to show what happens when you add Microsoft Paint to 1980s Style:

Holy LA Gear Ripoff, Batman!

Yes, it’s an older crest from German side Alemannia-Aachen. …words fail me. Seriously. At what point did that seem tasteful? What does the squiggle represent?  The mind boggles. This was not their first bad decision, however. The team are known as Kartoffelkäfer - the Potato Beetles.

Okay, moving on to perfect symmetry, I offer up the old crest of French side Association Sportive de Saint-Étienne Loire.

The perfect confluence between the language barrier and a juvenile sense of humor

It IS perfectly symmetrical, letters aside. I like the general design - it has a heraldic feel without tilting too far towards the overly complex. It shows the team colors well, and is very clean. In short, it’s a great crest. …with the possible exception of the lettering. To their credit, the club did recognize this problem in later crests and shifted to A.S.S.E. (though even that sounds like an Evil Organization in a romance novel somewhere… perhaps that classic, She Shouldn’t, But She Will?)

There are a large number of clubs which incorporate the football into the crest. While I think it does bludgeon the point home a little, it can be done well, and there are a bunch of fine crests incorporating the ball. It is rare, however, to see symmetry in an off center placement.

And you shall kick the Holy Football Of Berat, after the counting of Three…

Yes, it’s the crest of Albanian side Klubi Sportiv Tomori Berat. It certainly hits all the highlights. Team colors, founding date, clean lines… what’s not to like? I also dig the crenelations on the top of the shield device. They’re a reference to the fortress overlooking Berat (team history!). Probably the only crest in this edition of the column that I actually like. Very nice work.

Lastly, because it amuses me, here are two crests with what appear to be hand drawn owls. Seriously. Owls?

First, possibly the only club to have had a Nobel Laureate play goalkeeper (Niels Bohr, 1922, Physics), Danish side Akademisk Boldklub.

How many quarks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

And finally, another titillatingly titled team, Albanian side Klubi Sportiv Bylis Ballsh.

I am never drinking the water in Ballsh. EVER.

And that’s it for this edition. No reading list this time, kids. It’s Spring Break. Check back in a few days for another exciting lecture in…

[ECHO] FOOTBALL CRESTS OF… THE WORLD! [/ECHO]

So today we take a little side trip from our examination of football crests and wander into the realm of the Worst Defeat In History.

It should be noted that we’ve limited our scope to professional or national team games with reported results. No doubt there’s a HS team somewhere than won two bazillion to nil against the Texas School for the Blind or something, but there’s no way we could track down that information. That way madness lies.

In international play the commonly accepted largest margin of victory was the Socceroos 31-0 shellacking of American Samoa. Alas American Samoa has only won one match, and that was over Wallis and Futuna when neither were recognized by FIFA. At least FIFA considers them better than Montserrat (hey, they’ve scored a goal in WCQ).

Scottish side Arbroath FC claim the largest margin of victory in a senior side game at 36-0 against Bon Accord FC in 1885. While this number does not stand up to some later results, it is all the more impressive for being in the dead-leather-ball era of the sport. Imagine what they could have done if the ball could have been dribbled with ease. It should be noted Bon Accord were actually mistakenly invited to the Scottish Cup as they were a cricket team with the same name as an actual football club. So while it is an impressive victory, it wasn’t against an actual senior side.

Interestingly enough, on the same day that Arbroath notched their victory, Dundee Harp FC defeated Aberdeen Rovers FC 35-0 (though there is some question as to the actual goal tally). So in terms of a victory over a proper football team, Dundee Harp have the edge over Arbroath in quality of opponent, and possibly in reality as 37 goals may have been scored by Dundee.

Still, though, those are small change compared to the 57-0 hurt that the Willenhall Town FC Ladies put on the Burton Brewers on April 3, 2001. Unsurprisingly Burton declined to field a squad the next week and ceased operations. After 11 games they were -234 on GD. Thankfully this did not deter them from football, as we hear most of their members are the practice squad for Derby County…

Steed Malbranque, doomed to appear here by virtue of homonymity

But even that pales in comparison to THE Worst Defeat In History… Stade Olympique de l’Emyrne Antananarivo 0 - 149 AS Adema on October 31, 2002. Yes, welcome to Madagascarian football. It is rather fitting that this horror show took place on Halloween. The REALLY interesting thing here is that no Adema player was on the scoresheet. All 149 goals were Own Goals. SOE had lost on a dodgy penalty the week before that knocked them out of contention for the league title, which they had won the year before. So they decided to protest. Oh how they decided to protest. So this may not be an actual contested match. So what? If nothing else it does pretty much provide a cap on how many goals can physically be scored in a 90 minute match. …and I can’t imagine how much stoppage this went through.

So there you have it folks. The worst defeat in history, and a bonus pun. What more can you ask for?

More football crests tomorrow.

Welcome back, class, to our survey of Football Crests. Today we examine some Do’s and Don’ts.

Do: Have a clean, simple, easily identifiable logo.

Don’t: Let it be so clean as to be unintelligible.

Yes, it’s the old logo of Faroe Islands side B36 Torshavn (rivals, we should note, with B71 Sandur and B68 Toftir for the “We were named by the US Air Force” Cup). It’s clean, yes. Nine total lines, in fact. Black and white. Smallest graphic I’ve ever uploaded, in fact. But do they play golf? Volleyball? Are they just REALLY into punctuation?

To be fair, B36 Torshavn have won the Faroe Islands Premier League 9 times and made the 3rd qualifying round of the Champions League. They’re not small potatoes. And they have redesigned their logo.

B36 Torshavn’s New Logo

Do: Have an iconic logo.

Don’t: Copy someone ELSE’S iconic logo.

We have two primary offenders here.

First:

On the top we have the crest of legendary Scottish side Celtic FC. Unchanged since its inception, it is as close to perfect as a crest will ever come. It has scads of tradition, lists the year of founding, shows the team colors, gives a reference to its history, and, of course, presents the name (bonus points for spelling out Football Club).

On the bottom we have the crest of South African side Bloemfontein Celtic. Renamed from Mangaung United Football Club in 1984 (presumably for financial reasons), it does a great job of aping its intended target. Unfortunately it kinda lacks that je-ne-sais-quoi the original has. The football fits well. Nice touch. The fist, ummm…? Aside from the green it lacks any of the passion and symbolism the original brings. Sorry fellas - forge your own identity. The key word in “Old Firm” is old. They’ve earned that crest. You’ve bought a knockoff from a street vendor.

Second:

Okay, here we have 3 almost identical crests. Can you spot the original? It’s the first one, from top Portugese side Benfica. The second is from Andorran side Casa Estrella del Benfica, and the last from Angolan side Sport Luanda e Benfica. For that last, it should be noted that, while we generally refer to them as just “Benfica” the name of the actual Portugese side is Sport Lisboa e Benefica. So they’re even really stealing the name. Look guys, I realize Benfica are popular and all, but, seriously, can’t you come up with an original crest? Something? Sport Lubango e Benefica (also in Angola - the Portugese influence continues) have come up with their own crest. You’re playing Miller Lite and Bud Light to Benfica’s Sagres. Same great football, less originality.

Do: Incorporate your mascot into your crest.

Don’t: Make the mascot the ENTIRE crest.

For these we take a trip East.

Nagoya Grampus Eight (or rather now just Nagoya Grampus) are a Japanese side playing in J-1. They are perhaps best known as Arsene Wenger’s last gig before coming to Arsenal. It’s actually also an interesting bar bet. Did Arsene Wenger ever manage Gary Lineker? The answer is yes, for one year, and they won the Emperor’s Cup. Grampus also have perhaps the best named player in all of football in Brazillian Magnum.

Back to the topic at hand. Grampus-kun (or, as we know him around Improbable Soccer HQ, Whale!) is the mascot for the club, and is beloved by all. He is, from what we can gather, a striker. With his powerful Fluke Kick and amazing cuteness it is hard to believe Grampus have never won the league. But, alas, Whale! can only take you so far.

More excuse to show Grampus-kun

On the other hand we have Singaporean side Super Reds FC. They’re also an odd duck in that they’re entirely composed of the Korean ex-pat community in Singapore. But they have made the mascot the message, instead of complementary. I’ll let the crest speak for itself:

Bear is striking?!!? How can that be?!?

And in a nod to our friends at UniWatch - striped shorts with a solid top? Ugh…

That’s all for class today. Next time we compare and contrast regularly vs. irregularly shaped crests.

Reading List:

NF Board - the FIFA for non-FIFA nations (and occasionally non-FIFA non-nations)

Uni Watch - you probably got here from there (thanks fellas!) but if you didn’t by all means, check them out. The definitive resource for all things uniformative (outside of English football).

Historical Kits - The definitive source for all your UK football club kit history needs. Make sure to check out Room 101 - the room of kit that should never have been.

So here at Improbable Soccer we are fond of global surveys. Generally we run through a region or association wholesale, and then move to the next one. But for this particular topic, it’s a little more broad in spectrum. So please bear with us as we do the first of what will, no doubt, be a long running sequence on football crests.

I have long been fascinated by football crests. It is important to note that for a very long time, there were no crests on kits. Chelsea started using a crest in 1960, while Blackburn Rovers did not until 1974. So this is an inexact science at best. While kits change from year to year, the crest is constant (we hope). It’s the best representation a club has while on the pitch. Possibly most important to clubs, it’s the brand that gets plastered on everything from piggy banks to scarves to shot glasses. …which may be why clubs occasionally feel compelled to change them. Still, most clubs have the good sense to keep the same crest for a long period, or just modernize their design.

The two best examples in the Prem of this strategy are London rivals West Ham and Chelsea.

The Evolution of the Chelsea FC Crest

As you can see, Chelsea went from what was essentially a crest for the newsletter to the more modern Lion Regnant in 1953. There it stayed until 1986, when the club went to a design that really should have died with legwarmers and rampant cocaine abuse, though, much like the latter, it lasted long past its welcome (in this case, until 2004). In 2005 the club went back to a cleaner, modernized version of their classic crest, and there they stayed. I like the “new” crest for Chelsea. It’s clean, simple, and is in keeping with their heritage. You can read more about the evolution of the crest in the CFC Wikipedia article - I don’t want to provide an exhaustive history here - just note the design.

Similarly West Ham United went through a modernization in 1997.

Note that the crest is fundamentally the same, though the team colors have been emphasized, and the details cleared up a bit. It’s not quite as busy as the original, and I think that’s a good thing. The original had been around for 92 years prior, and you can’t get rid of that on a whim. THIS is what crest changes should be. It is an update without betraying its heritage.

So, then, what makes a good crest? Well, this is the team insignia, so the following criteria are not always possible, but, in general:

Clean Lines
Club Colors
Founding Date
Club Motto
Club History

I present the two following as good examples of these tenets:

While I believe the Everton crest to be slightly more elegant (watch my fellow Rovers supporters disown me for that one), both embody these tenets. The lines are clean, each evokes the team history (the Red Rose of Lancaster and Prince Rupert’s Tower, respectively), founding dates are present, and the club motto is prominent. While Everton’s is certainly older, and has a timeless elegance, the Blackburn crest is very effective at what it does. It’s a very no-nonsense kind of crest.

On the other hand, we have the modern marketing driven crest. Nowhere is this more apparent than Blackburn’s close neighbors, Bolton Wanderers.

On the left you see Bolton’s original crest. On the right you see a soul sold to Reebok. It is no coincidence this crest came into being when Bolton moved into the Reebok Stadium. It’s an attempt to be young, hip, and fresh, and fails utterly. I’ll give it some props for having incorporated the ribbon of the original, but where’s the Lancaster Rose? They’re a Lancashire club - this thing is taken fairly seriously. You know, large war, changed course of English history, that sort of thing. And it’s tossed aside. Good job fellas. Way to pander to that dollar. I will lay a bet now that it’s changed within the next 15 years. These things have inertia, but it will change, likely to a modernized version of the original ala West Ham or Chelsea.

And that’s it for this lecture. Next time we’re going to delve into some good and bad crests worldwide.

Further Reading:

Best Brands Of The World
UEFA Clubs Since 1955 - essentially every club crest ever in Europe
Albanian Football Logos - Yes Virginia, EVERYTHING has a webpage.

According to the Roon Ba, Jersey defeated Alderney 7-0. Congratulations to Jersey. We will be posting a preview of the finals closer to the actual match day in May.

EDIT:  The Jersey FA have posted a match report on their site.

Paul Creeden at the Jersey FA has been gracious enough to release the lineup of the travelling squad for tomorrow’s match at Alderney.  Look at it well, folks.  This is the one and only time that Improbable Soccer will ever manage to scoop the BBC.

Paul Aitkin
Stuart Andre
Chris Andrews
Barry Beatson
Andrew Bird
Jack Boyle
Mark Brown
Jack Cannon
Scott Devlin
Craig Fletcher
Richard Hebert
Russell Le Feuvre
Craig Leitch
Mark Lucus
Steven McCarter
James O’Haire
James Scott
Marco Vieira

Manager: David Kennedy
Asst Manager: Craig Culkin
Asst Manager: Pat Brennan
General Manager: Jon Welsh
Physio: Helen Richardson